Struggling

SO it is no secret we have been going to church lately and I love it. I don't feel at home there yet but it is getting better. This week we are having revival and Sunday we went as a family, Monday we missed because I had school and dh was waiting on a phone call about a job interview. Last night me and the girls went as dh was on said interview.

I freak out with this stuff, Amanda goes off to sit with her friends and leaves me alone with Haley, so I try to keep her quiet until things start. It was a wonderful night awesome music, awesome drama team, awesome witnesses and the funniest preacher I am sure I have ever heard.

I came home feeling better and worse? Makes no sense but I am so longing for this relationship with god like my dh and oldest dd have, I am waiting for that Tada moment and yet I feel like we are getting closer but it doesn't happen.

My MIL and I have been talking lately about forgiveness she thinks my wall is due to my anger towards my dad for my abuse and my mom for how she handled things. And I can't say that she is wrong. I want to forgive my mom, but I know that is going to take a talk with her that I am sure scares me the most. But I think in time this can happen.

Forgive my father? Really I am not sure how to let this go, I mean of course I never want to have anything to do with him ever, but can I forgive him? Can I let it go? I really don't know if I can. It isn't like I dwell on my abuse daily and think about it all the time, I don't but can I really not have hatred in my heart for this person who chose to hurt me in the worst possible way only as a way to hurt my mother. Why use the life of a child (YOUR CHILD) to seek revenge?

I am reading an awesome book about seeking God and that is what I am doing, maybe this being on my heart and brought out is my way of rationalizing things. Who knows?