A Mothers Love?

Well lets see, I was down a ton this weekend. My brother got married to a very sweet girl they are expecting a baby in January. I am very happy for them. But being happy for them doesn't seem to ease my pain at all.

You see my brother is 40 a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, last year he was in jail for over 6 months for felony theft. He got out and lived with my mom, works for my mom just moved in with Rhonda. They spend a ton of time with my mom and step dad. It kills me to hear my mom talk about all the things they do with them and yet she never ask me to do anything. She calls once a week and ask about my girls that about it.

It hurts to feel like I am the outcast of my family. I don't understand why me? I married young and my mom hated that, she hated loosing the control in my life. I am still married going on 18 years and yet you would think being married that long, having 2 beautiful, smart girls I would be the favored one. But I am the black sheep. Is it my weight? I honestly think she can't stand to look at me and see the weight without feeling disgusted.

I have been trying for a long time now to forgive my mom for the evil things she has done to me and my family. Vicious things just because she could. It amazes me how her desire to hate and hurt my husband she couldn't see that by hurting him financially she was hurting me and her grand daughters as well. And even when I get past those things, I still can not seem to forgive her for the way she has treated me most of my life once I told her about my fathers abusing me. What mother doesn't want to help their child? What mother doesn't want to comfort their child? Why couldn't she just tell me she is sorry for what happened to me, instead she made me feel like something was wrong with me for needing to talk about it.

Sometimes I think I am such a bad mother, I don't play enough games with my kids, I tell them to be quiet too much. But then I think about my mom and what I was given as a child and I know my girls without a doubt both know I love them more than anything. They know if anything bad ever happened to them I would 1) kill the bastard that hurt them, :) 2) be there to help them get through it. 3) Love them no matter what.

Growing up I remember every time we had to do creative writing and the topic was who do you admire the most. I always wrote about my mom, she worked so hard to raise us 2 kids alone. Sometimes 2 and 3 jobs, she never got help from the state. We didn't get to do ballet and sports because there wasn't money or time for that, but I never felt like I missed out because my mom was doing the best she could. So most of my life I took that hard work to be her way of showing us love, because she to this day has never told me she loves me. She tells my children and says it in emails or letters but can not bring herself to say it out loud to me.

So I guess I really kind of feel sorry for my mom, she is missing out on the love I could have given her, if she thinks giving it all to her daughter in law is what she needs to do then so be it, She losses out on me. Of course saying that doesn't make my pain go away. Doesn't make my tears not be real, doesn't make me understand 1 bit more why she is like she it, but I guess I can not control her so I have to let it go.